The Answer to All of Life's Problems

I went to the doctor yesterday to inquire about a few things that have been bothering me lately. First off is the way that my heart has been racing periodically in reaction to stressors in my life. That one seemed like an obvious stress/anxiety reaction, but my mommy wanted me to make sure it wasn't something more serious. (Don't worry, when I went in for the EKG, my pulse was 43 beats per minute, so no racing heart there.)

What really concerns me is the other problem: I have been burping for since July 5. On that day, which was a fast Sunday, I burped on average about once every thirty seconds from 11 AM until 11 PM. I didn't even really notice for the first hour or so, but then it just got silly. I lied down for a nap and gas was seeping/popping out of my esophagus into my mouth. Now, these are not sick gross burps, but rather non-acidic, odorless burps, so it could definitely be worse. But imagine burping all day long.

For the next month, the burping was reduced to more manageable amounts until I had another day like that Sunday. I made all the kids at the youth camp I worked for count with me. On a forty minute drive I burped forty times. I then bought some Gas-X, which helped a little bit.

Now it is September, over two months later, and I am still burping! I burp at least once every ten minutes and at most five times in a minute. Where is all this gas coming from?!? Do I have a tube attached to my back that I can't see? Have all my friends seen it and not told me? Jerks. Google says that most of the time it results from subconsciously swallowing air, a habit that develops when people consciously swallow air to make joke burps. I don't do that. I don't find much funny about burps. Unless there is a clown involved. And even then it's more likely to be scary like that Stephen King mini-series "It" than funny like that Stephen King movie "The Mist."

Worst of all, after the meeting with the doctor, he told me to look it up on Google. Huh? You went to who knows how many years of medical school to say, "Look it up on Google"? I hope that's what lawyers do after law school. Want to sue your landlord? Look it up on Google! Want to write a will? Look it up on Google! Want to defend yourself from murder charges? Look it up on Google! Maybe that makes a compelling closing argument for the jury: Look it up on Google! (That probably would have worked in the OJ Simpson case.)

So if you have any other problems in your life, look it up on Google. No, seriously try it. I think it might work. That doctor might be on to something. Google's pretty sweet. Let me know how it goes.