Likening the Scriptures

Last night I was Ether. And I do not mean that I was an all-pervading, infinitely elastic, massless medium formerly postulated as the medium of propagation of electromagnetic waves. I mean Ether, son of Coriantor, Ether.

I helped prepare for and attended a Halloween party at my neighbor's house. It started out well enough. The whole house was decorated. The basement bedroom was transformed into a movie room. The living room and carport were dances. There was a VIP lounge on the third floor where you could eat fondue and go on the balcony. There were probably about five hundred people that ended up coming.

I was dressed as a pepper shaker. When people asked if I was a pepper shaker, I said, "No, I am a lazy cheap man," because that felt more honest. I must also note that the best costumes of the night were two guys who dressed up like the Wheelers from Return to Oz, starring Fairuza Balk. They really skated around all night and were rather creepy, until one came up and asked for water. I said it was upstairs and said, dejectedly, "All those stairs." Then he wheeled away, sad-like.


I began to feel like Ether, however, when three different groups of guys showed up as strippers. Bow ties and all. When we said you must wear a costume, we also should have mentioned that skin does not count as a costume, unless you are a dressed as a hamster. The ladies of the night were also in rare form, some girls even coming as "just-got-out-of-the-shower girls," dressed only in towels. The height of my disgust came when I witnessed a girl in a corset and pink panty-pants dancing with one of the aforementioned strippers on a table outside. She proceeded to take off his belt and undo his pants. The pants dropped far enough to see the side strap of a thong before he pulled them back up and buttoned them.

I felt the Spirit of the Lord urging me to retreat to my cave to record the iniquities and abominations of the people. I don't have a cave, so I just went home. But I know Nephi would be proud of me for likening my somewhat righteous indignation to the work of the prophets of old.