Hearing Aids and Sweaty Butts

A girl who had been struggling with a staph infection sat next to me in Sunday school. We'll call her Staphanie. The lesson had already started, so we were forced to whisper a greeting.

Staph: Hi!

Limon: Hey. How are you doing?

Staph: Eh. Groany sound. Um. Eh.

Limon: Well, you made it to church, so that's a good sign.

Staph: My butt is sweating.

Limon: Your butt is sweating?

Staph: (laughing hysterically but mostly silently)

Limon: (realizing that she did not say her butt was sweating, flipping through rolodex of possibilities) Your brother's wedding?

Staph: (laughing harder and less silently)

Limon: What? What did you say?

Staph: But it's spreading!

Limon: Oh, that's a relief.

Do I need hearing aids? Anyone else ever had a mishearing quite so awkward?

Life of the Unemployed

10:00 AM: Wake up. Realize that you don't have anything to do. Roll over.

11:00 AM: Wake up. Realize that you don't have anything to do, but decide that you are probably starting to break the word of wisdom or something. Get up.

11:15 AM: Eat a bowl of cereal.

11:25 AM: Eat another bowl of cereal.

11:35 AM: Sigh because Wimbledon is over and you no longer have anything active to watch. Turn on old episodes of Stargate: SG-1.

3:00 PM: Play that song from the closing credits of the second Narnia movie on the guitar.

3:30 PM: Put on the 60-minute P90X DVD your roommate had illegally burned.

3:35 PM: Realize you are really out of shape.

3:50 PM: Realize that Plyometrics is a fancy way of saying squatting and jumping until you want to throw up.

3:52 PM: Wonder if there was anything life-changing on the rest of the video.

3:53 PM: Press pause to take a "short" break.

3:55 PM: Decide that Plyometrics will still be there when you are unemployed next week. Remove DVD.

4:00 PM: Eat a pork chop that your roommate hasn't eaten yet because you have no food because you sold your contract for the summer and you don't really have any place to live and therefore no cabinets to put food in and therefore no food.

5:00 PM: Try to convince your roommate to play tennis.

6:00 PM: Hit the ball out by two feet for the sixty-fifth time.

6:10 PM: Return home in shame.

6:15 PM: Watch So You Think You Can Dance.

8:00 PM: See 11:35 AM.

10:00 PM: Go alone to see "Drag Me to Hell" at the dollar theater because rottentomatoes.com gave it 95% positive reviews and you don't have any friends that would want to go see it with you.

12:00 AM: Play the guitar.

12:30 AM: Review your scheduled activities for tomorrow.

12:30:05 AM: Fall asleep watching something on hulu.com.

4:38 AM: Dream about having something better to do with your life.