Limericks

On Father's Day, we went to my dad's house far a family get-together. After most of the family had left, my two younger siblings, my dad and I stayed to play games. One of the games we played was limericks, in which each person writes one line of a limerick then passes the paper to the left. It's kind of exciting to see how something you wrote the first line for will turn out. And of course they end up having to do with one of two topics: fat and poop. Here are some examples. Names have been removed to protect the less guilty.

A girl once looked just like a pumpkin,
And she wasn't real smart--just a dumb thing.
But she one Halloween
Had an idea real keen:
Wear a girdle for making her rump thin!

He used to hold calves for castration,
A sacrifice for the whole nation.
But then one day he slipped
And his own self he nipped.
Now he trills in soprano vibration.

Although she ate three tons of ice cream,
She still held on tight to the crossbeam.
But she didn't do well
And finally fell
And let out a chocolatey poo-stream.

Whenever he went to the shops,
The salespeople heard some strange plops
They smelled a strange smell
And quickly could tell
They'd better go order more mops.

Backstory: We used to tease my little brother that he had a good friend named Carlita Monchata who tried to move away, so he hid her in his butt, mostly because we figured that someone with a butt that big had to have someone living in it.

When he started courting Carlita,
She was strangely obsessed with his seat-a.
She found it quite nice
Yet paid a dear price,
For she's stuck there for eternitita.

Try it with your family and see if you come up with anything cleaner.

The Best-Laid Plans

My old boss was finally moving on. She supervised me directly a few years ago, and now her position was available. I mentioned to the History Buff that she should apply, and, after reviewing the posting, she told me that I was the truly qualified one. So I laid my plan. It seemed so perfect, so providential, so serendipitous. My work is one of the few places that hires undergraduates for full-time positions, allowing the student to continue taking classes on company time. It's a pretty great set-up. Sure, I'd have to wait another semester to graduate, but that is just one of my many skills that didn't make the resume.

I applied online and received an email the following day stating that my application could not be processed because I didn't have a bachelor's degree. That didn't make sense, though, because my friend had just been hired as a full-timer without graduating first.

I wrote the Division Head an email explaining my situation. She called me on the afternoon of the Friday that the posting was closing and told me that she thought I would be a great candidate. She then said that she would call HR and see what she could work out. On Monday she said that she had to get the Director's permission to repost the position and even offered to post it just for one day so that I could interview before I went home for a week.

I have to admit I was feeling pretty good about my chances. I mean, she was willing to rearrange everything just to get me interviewed. I was telling everyone (though not as many people as some others).

I came in on Tuesday ready to hear the big news, when who should I meet on my way out to lunch but my good friend Cicada. I have to say that I am always glad to see Cicada since we get along so well. We have always supported each other in the hard times at work and the fun times outside of work. As we walked out to my car, I was about to mention my intentions to get the job when Cicada says, "So did I mention that I am applying for the Corrections job?" She proceeded to tell how her application was denied online so she had to talk to the Division Head, at which point I took over and told the rest of the story with a question mark at the end.

C: Have I told you this already?

L: No.

C: You're applying, too.

L: Yup.

C: AAAAAARRGH! I knew someone I knew would be applying. Well, looks like we are now enemies. I now really regret having told the Division Head that you are a great proofreader: accurate and efficient. I should have said, "He looks at PORN! Limon is a porn-looker!"

L: And I should have linked her into your blog, where she would read all about your true feelings about your workplace.

C: My lies will beat your truths any day!

So the issue was complicated now. I feared a little that in the interview they would ask me why I deserved the job over Cicada. Then I would have to admit that if they hired her they would be happy. Not necessarily happier than I would make them, but it worried me that I knew she would do a great job. I was slightly torn.

That afternoon I got an email from the Division Head informing me that I was being offered the position, without an interview or anything! I IMed Cicada and let her down gently. I just told her that it wan't a surprise that they chose someone so familiar with the inner workings of the office and so skilled in so many ways. I wished her luck in her job search. I also told her that I would hire her if she was really desperate.

So actually the Director said that the position would not be reposted, so neither of us got the job. And Cicada actually tried to convince me that she had been offered the position, seeing as we both got emailed at the same time.

So even though I don't have a new job, I still get to keep an old friend. Emphasis on old. Just kidding, Cicada!