I Love Practical Jokes

When I lived in DC, my friends and I occasionally went to an acquaintance's house for parties that were consistently lame. We would make them fun for us by dancing and being crazy, but everyone else would just stare at us.

When we finished our time there, we were having a group email discussion and someone mentioned the lame parties. So I made a new email address under the name of this guy, whom we'll call Hanson, and sent them this email:

Hey guys,

I just wanted to comment on "We can all pretend that we are back at one of Hanson's parties...without all of the awkward conversation-less ward friends, of course."

I really don't apreciate you guys always talking smack behind my back. It's like you think I won't find out about it. Sorry that my parties didn't suit your style. Next time I'll remember to spare you the akwardness and not invite you.

Hanson

They realized almost immediately that it was me.

As I was reading through my old emails, I found this one and decided to revive the fun of fake emails from real people.

Hey friends,
I just wanted to get your current addresses so that I can send you invitations to my wedding. I know it took a long time, and many of you are surprised that I made it at all, but the Lord blesses us all in His time. And my time has come. So send me your addresses, please!

Thanks,
Hanson

The Bantha, whom I still see at school and who was the first one to realize that it was me the first time, responded cordially.

Hey Hanson!

Congratulations! Here is my address:
XXX North XXX West
Provo, UT 8460x

The Bantha

I couldn't believe that she didn't remember. So of course I continued. Here are the remainder of the emails. It's important to note that Hanson and the Bantha really did not know each other very well and that he is not, as far as I know, getting married.

The Bantha!
It's been so long! I am so glad that you responded so quickly. I wanted to ask you a question. Would you be able to make it DC on Nov. 25? I would really love it if you could come to the sealing, but I only have twenty-five seats (you know the bride gets what she wants), so I need to know as soon as you can figure it out. Let me know!
Thanks,
Hanson

Hanson,

I'll be in DC in October interviewing for jobs, but I'll be back at
school in November. I'm going to BYU Law School right now. Actually,
Limon just started here too. But I just wanted to say
congratulations. That is wonderful that you are getting married!

Good Luck!
The Bantha

The Bantha,
Well, when will you be in DC? Maybe we could move the date up. I'll talk to my fiance and see what we can do. I think the earliest we could do it would be October 19. Will you be in town before then? It's really important to me that you are there for my big day. Please let me know. Make sure to tell Limon to send me his address too. Thanks,
Hanson

Hanson,
Amusing. Sorry, I won't be in town. But still, congratulations!

The Bantha,
I talked to Samantha, and she said that she's willing to do it whenever you are in town. We've been engaged for a long time, so she's actually quite glad to move it up. Also, if you are going to be in town in October, would you mind being one of the brides maids? Samantha's cousin went on a study abroad, so we are one lady short. Please let me know when you are going to be here and what size dress you need. We'll take care of it, so you wouldn't have to pay. Let me know!
Hanson

Don't be ridiculous. I get it. very funny.

The Bantha,
Ok. I don't know why you are being so mean. I really look back at that summer in DC as one of the best times of my life. The friends I made there have been really important to me over the past few years, and I know I haven't been the best at keeping in touch, but that doesn't mean that it would be "ridiculous" to think its important that my friends are at my wedding. I needed someone to fill in for Samantha's cousin and I thought you would be willing to do it if you would be in DC. Apparently I misjudged our friendship, both in your willingness to help me out and in your kindness to me. Just forget about the whole thing. Maybe when you are getting married you will be less "ridiculous" in wanting your friends to be there.
Good luck with law school.
Hanson

TWO Days later, without a response:

The Bantha,

Also, I just wanted you to tell Limon hi for me. I just think
that he's the coolest guy around. He's so funny and handsome, and if I were a woman, I would try and marry him all the time.
And again, don't be so mean.

Hanson

So I finally saw her and she said that she figured out it was me and put that email in her spam blocker. I can't believe she would consider funny emails like that spam! Oh well. I just hope that no one ends up seeing Hanson and asking how Samantha is.

Our Contracts professor is pretty funny. While discussing breach of contract and remedies and damages he posed the following question:

If you fail to pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

It's a good question.

English As a First Language

There are certain days when it seems that I am unable to understand what people are trying to say. Yesterday was one of those days.

During Sunday School, the teacher was teaching about the wonderful world of forgiveness.

Teacher: The act of forgiving doubles, triples, quadruples . . .

Me: (whispering to the girl next to me) What is a double? How can you forgive a double? Is he talking about baseball? Quadruple? It's called a home run!

And while I was whispering, I missed the end of his comment, which the girl next to me kindly repeated.

Teacher: . . . our ability to love others.

Turns out that doubles can be a verb.

In the opening announcements in Elders' Quorum, the president introduced some of the new callings in the quorum.

EQP: And, though we didn't need this calling last year, we are certainly going to need one this year. Joe Schmo has been called as the Set-up director.

Me: (in my head) Are you kidding me? They called someone to set us up on dates? That's really weird. I don't think I like the idea of a stranger receiving revelation on who I need to go out with. I don't even receive that revelation! And why do we need it more this year than last? Are we obviously uglier than the people who lived here before?

Me: (out loud) Set-up director?

Someone else: For setting up the chairs before sacrament meeting.

That makes more sense.

Whether it is caused by my inattention, my ignorance, or my imagination, my inability to
understand basic English needs to be taken care of. I am going to buy a learn English in five cassette tapes later today. That should take care of it.

Our One-Year Aniversario

We recently celebrated the one-year anniversary of our trip to Rio de Janeiro by going to a new restaurant in Provo called Bona Brasil. The food was great and the people were friendly, but the best moment came when the cashier, who had been working for fourteen hours, came out to chat with us. It was getting late, so not many people were left in the restaurant. We found out that we had a mutual friend and that this friend and the cashier were going to the same mission in just a few weeks. We were asking her if she knew how to do any of the great latin dances famous in Brazil. We let her know that Frazzle B was on the ballroom dance team at BYU, and she asked if he could samba. He said only if she did it with him.

As they were dancing in the middle of this slightly run down restaurant, JTS, Bard B, and I all noticed that Frazzle B's fly was down. There he was, swinging his hips, as he is known to do, with his fly down. We of course began laughing and furtively pointing at his crotch. The dancers began to take note of our odd behavior and the attention was drawn to his fly. The dancing slowly died as Frazzle B reached down and felt the metal zipper-pull at the bottom of the zipper. When the cashier noticed, she slowly turned away and reached her hand down to her own zipper. She bent over slightly as one who is trying to keep from peeing and sat down in a booth across from ours. Her fly was down too! What are the chances that two strangers would begin doing the samba in a restaurant with their flies down? I don't know for sure, but I should have bet on it. I'd be a millionaire. Regrets.

The Magical World of Degravitania

My family is doing a Biggest Loser competition this fall in an attempt to promote healthy living. I was glad to participate, since every few months I try to lose big anyway. We are supposed to weigh in every week, but I haven't been able to get to a scale, since I haven't been to the gym in over a month. I finally got there yesterday and was very curious about how my weight was doing. I stepped up onto the doctor's-type scale and moved the weight over to 200. The arm dropped. So I moved the weight back to 150 and moved the smaller weight up to 50. The arm stayed up. So apparently I weigh somewhere between 200 and 200. But not 200 or 200. I went downstairs to the faculty weight room and the same thing happened. Luckily there was a normal bathroom scale next to it. I stepped on and the dial swung around to reveal my true weight--180. Now I was really pleased and surprised to see that, because I haven't been 180 since maybe seventh grade. Not joking.

So I figure that in order to find my actual weight, I need to travel to a mythical land. To get to Narnia, you must go through the wardrobe. To Wonderland, you go through the looking glass. To Oz, you go through a concussion. Maybe I found the passageway to Degravitania, the land where your weight disappears and then drops by 20 pounds. I will be charging for admission at the low price of 20 dollars. Just meet me outside the university gym. (Please note the twenty-pound-lighter Mr. Tumnus.)