Eddie Bauer

I was shopping for a present for my brother at the mall today and went into Eddie Bauer since I was wearing a pair of their jeans that I bought six years ago. That, apparently was my first mistake. As I was leaving after some unsuccessful rummaging, the sales associate intercepted my escape route and asked, "Did you find anything you liked?"

As far as I can tell, this is not an appropriate question to ask someone as they are leaving your store empty-handed. This is because there is no appropriate response when you are leaving their store empty-handed. These are the options I can see for this situation:

Scenario 1
SA: Did you find anything you liked?

Limon: No, your store is urine-soaked hell hole. (Or a "pee-pee soaked heck hole" for those of you who are from Utah County.)

Scenario 2
SA: Did you find anything you liked?

Limon: No. You see, I am blind, and what I thought was Braille on the counters turned out to be the nails holding the shelves together. I am actually just going to see the ACLU to complain about that and the Merry Christmas sign. You see, I am also Jewish.

Scenario 3
SA: Did you find anything you liked?

Limon: Yes, unfortunately my mom says I can't buy skirts anymore. At least not with her credit card or until I start shaving my legs.

Scenario 4
SA: Did you find anything you liked?

Limon: Yes, but I have to run right now because I am having an awful attack of dysentery, and I don't know if I can hold . . . Whoops!

Scenario 5
SA: Did you find anything you liked?

Limon: Yes. It's just that I can't imagine spending fifty dollars for a sweater, forty dollars for a shirt, or twenty dollars for a hat, all of which blatantly advertise your company. Shouldn't you be paying me to be a walking billboard?

Scenario 6 (The Actual One)
SA: Did you find anything you liked?

Limon: No. (walks even faster out the door)


So I don't have much courage when it comes to talking to sales associates who probably have x-ray vision and can spy directly into my wallet, who see me intentionally look at things I would never buy just to make my way to the sales rack without embarassment. But next time I will be prepared with plenty of words he won't like.

It's a Small World After All

I sang in the talent show at the work Christmas party, and, afterwards, a few people came up to offer their thanks and congratulations for a song well sung. One of these people took the opportunity to play the do-you-know-this-person game. This woman was middle aged and full friendliness.

Woman: Limon is your name, right?

Limon: That's right!

W: Are you related to a Mark Limon?

L: No, I'm not. Sorry.

W: Because I went to school with a Mark Limon at Utah State years ago.

L: Yeah, most of my family is from the East.

W: He works at IHC now.

L: Cool. (IHC?)

W: He's doing some really great work with blah blah blah.

L: Wow. That is neat.

Awkward pause.

L: Well,

W: Well. Huh. shrug. Small world!

L: Yeah.


Small world? That two people have the same last name and aren't related? No, ma'am, big world. Very big world.

Face Transplant

I read an article in the paper by Associated Press that reported that just recently in Lyon, France, the first successful partial face transplant was performed on a woman severely disfigured by a dog bite.

"The 38-year-old woman, who wants to remain anonymous, had a nose, lips and chin grafted onto her face from a brain-dead donor whose family gave consent."

This raises a few questions:

1. Why does she want to remain anonymous? Did this "dog" also happen to have a warrant for her arrest in connection with a drug cartel being run out of her hair salon? Did she also insist that she get new documents, such as a passport, driver's license, and Colombian visa, delivered to her hospital room? Who does she think she's fooling? We watch TV.

2. Why did the family give consent? How much money would I have to pay you to cut the nose and lower face off of your wife on life support? Were they planning on letting her die anyway? Because, believe me, once you have no nose, life ain't pretty. Ask Michael Jackson. Or Latoya. Did they replace the nose and mouth of this poor brain-dead woman? Does she now have a clown nose? Or did they spring for the glasses-mustache combo? What if she wakes up? Will she just claim she has a "really cleft chin"? Why doesn't anyone ever think of the brain-dead?

3. Did the woman get to preview a selection of faces before making her final choice? If so, do you think she tried to get a nose and a chin from different people? Or are there no substitutions on this combo? If she didn't get to choose, what if she got stuck with a brain-dead Whoopi or Jay Leno? Would the skin tones blend? Could she afford the foundation? Would the new chin cause neck and back problems? Could she afford the chiropractor? Sure, it's fun to be on the bandwagon of exciting medical breakthroughs, but who pays for the after-effects of the miracle surgery?

I love Associated Press, but he certainly left some important questions unanswered. I should write him a letter. Does anyone know his address?