An FHE to Remember

Part I

Last night I woke up from my nap just in time to head over to FHE. After a short lesson we played a very interesting game. The basic idea is that one person stands in the middle, blindfolded, with a pillow. He or she then walks around the room and hits the other seated participants with the pillow. When he or she does, the person hit must snort like a pig. Then the one blindfolded must guess who it is by the snort. If the guess is right, the snorter goes to the middle. If wrong, the one blindfolded must move on to someone else.

Sounds stupid, but it is actually pretty fun.

Except for poor Leeza. Leeza, you see, has an incredibly high-pitched giggle, that easily transforms into a high-pitched pig squeal. And she can't stop herself from laughing. This makes it very easy for anyone blindfolded to know who she is. So, when Drew was in the middle, he was pretty relieved to find that he had hit a squeaking, squealing girl pig with his pillow. But he just stood there, paused in an inexplicable stupor. He had to know it was her; the laugh was unmistakable. Yet he stood there silent. Finally, he said, "Leslie? It's Leslie, right?" which, of course, no one wanted to respond to for fear of giving up their location. The convulsions and flailings and mouth-grabbing moments of silent, contained laughter only added to the awkward tension as Drew continued to ask if it was Leslie. We eventually let him now that it was Leeza, but that we would count it. He removed the blindfold ans sheepishly sat down.

Only five muntes later, Drew was back in the center, swinging his pillow wildly. He again hit Leeza. The girl was laughing so hard inside that she didn't even snort. She just convulsed as he continued to prod her with the pillow. Eventually, she couldn't hold it any longer, and a single high-pitched, squeaking laugh escaped. "Leslie!" he cried in triumph. The whole room, once tensely silent, erupted in disbelieving laughter. "It's Leeza!"

Part II

As I ate the Oreos for treat, a quote scribbled on a post-it note on the wall caught my attention. "You are not a loser. You were once a sperm, among millions, and you made it to the egg." As I laughed about that, one of the girls in the apartment turned me around and said, "You are not a loser," continuing the quote. Frazzle B overheard and looked at her in confusion. We pointed out the quote on the wall and he laughed too. The girl explained how one of her professors had said that in class. "So now we know we are not losers," she said.

Frazzle B interjected: But does that apply to girls, too?

Girl: Frazzle B! (in a shocked, pitying way)

Frazzle B: What?

Limon: No, girls are just made of eggs. Lots of eggs. We'd better get out of here.

Part III

On the way home, Frazzle B and I explained what he had said inside to JTS.

Frazzle B: And then Limon said, "No, girls are just made of eggs. Lots of eggs."

JTS: Yeah, that's why they're so stupid.

Ironic that a night of Leslies, eggs, and the origins of women's stupidity should end with that assertion. Somehow it seems it might not be the girls . . .

Four

I am not sure what being "tagged" means, but it's probably akin to the contract Ursula made Ariel sign: legal and binding. So, as Cicada pointed out, this is for when I don't have anything else to write.

Four Jobs I've Had
1. Busboy at Marita's Cantina, the Mexican restaurant and bar owned by an Indian and run by whites and blacks.

2. Book shelver at the Township Library, the job I stayed with for almost three years. But then, I only worked four hours a week, so I guess the total number of hours probably equals about one month of a real job.

3. Trashman. I hung on to the back of the truck and always smelled like, you guessed it, trash.

4. "Route Coordinator" for Preventive Pest Control. Crappiest two months of work in my life. I would choose trashman any day of the week.

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over Again
1. Zoolander. Why do I find stupid people so funny?

2. The Color Purple: Why do I find Oprah so moving?

3. The Emperor's New Groove: Why do I find mean people to be such good role models?

4. X-men 2: Why do I feel so empowered after watching Wolverine rip people to shreds?

Four Places I've Lived
1. Springfield, PA

2. Houston, TX

3. Las Vegas, Nevada

4. Washington, D.C.

Four TV Shows I Love
1. The Simpsons. It's my bread and butter.

2. Late Night with Conan O'Brien. He reminds me of me.

3. Law and Order (but only SVU and the original (Criminal Intent should be shot (Can you shoot a television series?)))

4. Lost, even though it sometimes moves slower than molasses.

Four Highly Regarded and Recommended TV Shows That I've Never Watched a Full Episode of
1. Arrested Development, and now it seems it's too late to repent

2. House

3. Grey's Anatomy

4. Trading Spaces

Four Places I've Vacationed
1. Malta

2. Richmond, IN

3. Costa Mesa, CA

4. Sadly, the last time I went on a vacation that lasted more than a few days was my weeklong trip to Malta when I was 13. I need a good long vacation.

Four of My Favorite Dishes
1. Lasagna. Do I need to say more? I'll even appreciate the cheaper cottage cheese variety.

2. Almost anything involving sweet potatoes. Like charquican, a Chilean dish with lots of vegetables mashed up. Yum.

3. Tex-mex style enchiladas, the only Mexican food I prefer the Americanized way.

4. A really good roast with vegetables. Then I can feel like it's healthy.

Four Site I Visit Daily
1. USA Today Daily Crossword

2. BYU Homepage

3. Google

4. Wells Fargo

Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now
1. In Central America on the beach

2. Playing the piano

3. At the gym

4. At Tucano's

Four Bloggers I Am Tagging
1. Sarah Louise, because I don't think she comes here much anymore.

2. redlaw, because she has probably been answering the questions in her head anyway.

3. daltongirl, because I am curious.

4. stupidramblings, because I assume he has the time.

California Cheatin' on Such a Winter's Day

After a long Saturday at Disneyland, the Sabbath was an especially subdued as we visited a friend's ward in Newport Beach. That evening, after a very pleasant visit with jrose, my traveling companions and I headed out to a nearby park to play a few games of croquet. Since it was past the park's closing, we made sure to set up in a less obvious area with a single light above us.

As JB pulled into the lead with a string of successful hits, she overshot one of the wickets, but still had two more shots on that turn. If she could get it back through the hoop, then she could use her last shot to send the right way through the wicket and score an extra shot.

She moved quickly as the rest of us talked about other things. I saw her hit the ball and it hadn't seemed to go all the way back through the wicket, but I had a bad angle and the light was bad, so I didn't say anything as she continued to play, hitting the ball quickly. Frazzle B had a much better angle than I did, and asked, "Did you make that shot?"

JB: Yes. She then proceeds to move the ball back to the original spot, as if she hadn't made the shot.

Frazzle B: Well, did you make it?

JB: FINE!! No, I didn't make it!

Limon: What!!?? You just cheated in croquet?

I laughed and laughed. What motivates an almost twenty-year-old woman winning a midnight game of croquet to cheat? Was she that concerned that she would lose? Then not only to cheat, but to automatically lie about the cheating while moving the ball back. She dubbed that particular wicket the Hoop of Shame. I agreed that it was an appropriate designation. And, of course, she then fell to last place in just a few short rounds.

Automatic lying. It reminds me of when a girl in my Spanish class in high school asked me if I plucked my eyebrows, which of course I did and do (who likes a unibrow?). I said "No" in an offended tone of voice before I even realized what had happened. Of course I couldn't immediately change my answer. "Oh, pluck my eyebrows? Yes, of course. I thought you said something else." Anybody else have any experiences with cheating or lying? I hope you all say yes (or no with a wink).

A Morning Sonnet

I occasionally have five-minute periods when I swear that Shakespeare enters my body. This hasn't happened in a while because Debbie Downer has apparently bought a season pass. ("By the way, it's official: I can't have children.") Today, however, I am reminded of a sonnet ole Bill and I wrote one morning while at work in DC.

A Morning Sonnet

Mere words cannot express the deep desire
I had to stay in bed this early morn.
As if some cold extinguish-ed the fire
and left me feeling altogether worn.
I lay and tossed and turned in brief denial
that Sun had re-assumed his rightful place
as the bright and cheer'ly overrated smile
on Sky's regretfully ever-lightening face.
But up from depths of pillow'd night I flew,
with speed unseen except in days of old,
my highest, noblest dreams to now pursue,
or see what boredoms Day might now unfold.
     I yearn to see what Day has got in store
     but yearn for bedtime's riches even more.

Good morning, World!

Multitasking

On my way to work today I saw a lot of people running in the rain. I guess they were taking advantage of the ice-free sidewalks and the above-freezing temperatures. I have to admit that I am impressed by such fortitude. Then I saw her. Decked out in the typical winter running garb, fleece headband and all, she was "running" while reading a book. I say "running" because it was closer to a brisk walk. I can't imagine she was getting much of a workout, and the book must not require that much concentration or careful handling, since it was a paperback and would probably be a puddle of pulp by the end of the "run." But what multitasking! I have been in that situation before--I think we all have. "Do I 'run,' or do I read this paperback I don't care about?" Decisions like this often require what I tend to call "the best of both worlds," the two worlds being the world of running in the rain and the world of paperbacks I don't care about.

Multitasking is a skill that far too few people have mastered. I should have stopped and asked her what her secret was, but she was too engrossed in her book. But it got me thinking, if this girl can manage to increase body and mind at the same time, what other opportunities to multitask am I missing?

Sleeping and Eating:
Before retiring, after brushing my teeth, I will insert a small feeding tube through my nose. This tube will drip all the meals I would have wasted time eating the following day into my empty, sleeping stomach. A quick yank when I awake, and maybe a glass of pie for dessert. Fed and napped at once.

Time saved: 1.5 hours


Hanging out with Friends and Singing Practice:
I am required a certain number of hours of singing practice per week. So, instead of isolating myself in one of those dank practice rooms, I will simply visit my friends, singing my conversations.
Ex.: Hey Limon!
Limon: Hellooooooooooo! Hooww aaarre YOOUU! (Did you hear the crescendoing ascending fourth on the last one?)

Time saved: 1 hour


Hometeaching and Being Home Taught:
I will invite my home teachers over to my hometeachees' house. I will then receive my lesson while pointing at my HTs and nodding and smiling at the girls. Then I will ask who wants to say the closing prayer.

Time saved: 1 hour


Yoga and Test Taking:
I will get my test and enter the Testing Center. After taking my seat, I will begin reading the questions while stretching and contorting my body into all sorts of crazy positions. I will have to wear spandex, or at least sweatpants to give proper range of motion, as well as sit in one of the desks with the springy seatback. I will also have to place some sort of protective rubber ending over the point of the old #2 so that no one's eye gets poked out during my Warrior pose or my Triangle position.

Time saved: 1 hour


Talking to Mom and Dating:
I will keep in touch with the one who has loved me best while finding she who will love me best. It will show how sensitive I am and how important family is to me. I will also be able to get some great tips in the moment on how to treat my date (just like Cyrano de Bergerac!), and I will finally be able to find out how to deal with that foot fungus.

Time saved: 2 hours


I am really excited to be able to free up over six hours tomorrow. This is going to be the key to my success, I can tell already. Thanks, "Running" Girl. You have really inspired me.

If I am missing any obvious ways to multitask after the fashion of "Running" Girl, please let me know!